Introspection

How am I feeling?

Confused
Angry
Bothered
Overwhelmed
Scared
Betrayed
Lost
Troubled
Alone
Tired
.....etc

but mostly just confused.

I have been going in and out of these feelings for a while now. I understand that life is hard, and that we have to deal with things in order to make us stronger and more capable of handling everything else. When I was about 12 or 13 I wrote a song called "With You"...I love the song, and I tend to sing it a lot when I am alone. Here are the words:

I'm up on a mountain way up high
Chasing the stars into the sky
and when I feel I've given up
you're always there (always there)
you're always there (always there)

I found my spot upon this earth
with you (with you)
And when I look at where I am
I'm with you (with you)
I'm with you (I'm with you)


I've entered a world of black and white
where everything seems to be a fight
and when I feel I've given up..
you're always there (always there)
you're always there (always there)


I found my spot upon this earth
with you (with you)
And when I look at where I am
I'm with you (with you)
I'm with you (I'm with you)

I'm discovering new fantastic things
Battling troubles my life brings
and when I feel like giving up
you're always there (always there)
you're always there (always there)

I found my spot upon this earth
with you (with you)
And when I look at where I am
I'm with you (with you)
I'm with you (I'm with you)



I've been thinking about this song. Sometimes we just need someone. We need someone who we can be with...who can make us feel secure and who can help to build us up. It's so hard to find someone like this. I've spent my entire life...with people. Poeple who help to encourage me...people who love me...and people who I can always count on, but I have also known my share of people who could care less about anyone other than themselves. I think about all of the people I know and all of them who know me. i think about how blessed I have been, but in the midst of blessings come trials. I can only handle so much, and I am to my breaking point...and I feel like there is no one around to hear me cry. I know that people are everywhere. People who love me and care about me...but what can they do?

I look around at my world...I look around at the way I think and feel and act, and each part of me is different. I am losing track of who I was...and I don't know what to do to get back to where I was. I feel like I have lost control. Like everything inside of me is gone...and there is nothing that I can do about any of it. I have become so jumbled. I have been trying to find out who I am...and In the process I have lost who I was. In my quest to discover the me that I am, I have lost the me that I wanted to be. Things continue to get complicated. The more I introspect, the more confused I become. I am almost to the point of not being able to handle anything. I am strong...so I keep pushing forward, but it's so hard to keep trying when you feel so lost.

My motto has often been...."I can do anything,' but I am finding more and more that I can't.
I can't keep trying to be someone I am not.
I can't keep doing what I am doing and hoping to change
I can't wish and dream and hope for something better when there is nothing left to find
I just can't take everything all at once

I know that we are given strength to do anything that we need to, and I am so grateful for that strength, but most of the time, I feel like crying.

I just want to be held and comforted...but in times like these I have to go it alone. I am stuck wandering by myself...through the confusing depths of my mind. It's a scary place, and I don't know how successful I will be coming out on the other end.

I'm going to stop venting for a minute.


Other than all of this random internal stuff...life is going great. I love school...we just started new classes...Christmas break was good...etc.

I'm going to go ahead and post this. Maybe I'll post again later.


Carrots and Peas out.