A Loss of Words and Energy...well...maybe earlier today...but not now....as you can tell.

Tonight I realized that I can't stand it when people treat me like crap! (I don't like that expression, but I can't think of anything better.) I love my life...I love my family, and I love the fact they they have all flown in from around the country to see me graduate, but sometimes I just feel like they don't realize that I can get along very well when they are not here and I don't need them telling me what to do when they are here. They think that because they are older...because at one point they had more authority than me...that they can boss me around and tell me what to do and treat me like crap in front of people that used to respect me. It makes me really angry...and tonight I had my fill. I couldn't take any more of anyone yelling at me and putting me down while I was trying to get along as I usually do. I hate it when people put you down and try to play it off like they were kidding. You shouldn't joke like that unless the other person knows that you are joking. There are somethings that I just cannot take...people being mean to other people and hurting them intentionally. I would never hurt someone intentionally. I joke around a lot, but I do not blatently put people down to make myself feel better. Argghh!! It just drives me crazy. Tonight I left my Dad's house cause I had had enough of everyone yelling and fussing at me because one person was. I can take one person fussing, but when everyone decides that they should all start yelling at the same person...that is when it becomes too much. My older sister is in town from California...and she has a tendancy to think that because she is older than me that she can tell me what to do and that it will be ok. What she doesn't quite understand is that I am an adult. I don't need to be yelled at. I need to be respected. I make good decisions. I live my life the way I feel is best. I have good friends...I engage in uplifting activities...I watch good movies...and I don't have people telling me what to do all the time because usually I make the right choices. My mom will tell me to do my chores, but that isn't really the same. My sister comes home and thinks that she should also tell me to do my chores and continues to fuss at me if I don't do something exactly the way she likes it. It is not so much her telling me to do it, but the way she tells me to do it. It is just very derogatory and I do not deserve to be treated like that. No one deserves to be treated like that. It seems like I can't do anything right with my family. I love them so much, and I care wayyyy too much, but I just can't do anything the way they want it done. Sometimes I wonder if things will be better when I move out of the house. Maybe my mom will be glad that the one child who gives her the most trouble will finally be out of the house. Now...I know that my mom loves me. I know that she would do anything for me and she really has done a lot. I love her so much. She can be so thoughtless though. Sometimes she acts like I have no feelings at all, and she will trash talk me to my sisters...while I am there. I can't stand that. I hate it when she thinks that everything I do is out to get her. She thinks the only reason I like something is because she doesn't like it, or the only reason I say something is because I want to argue, or something else like that. The truth is...she has no clue. If I say something...it is because that's what I think....not that I think everything that she says is wrong and I think that I should argue every point. I thought that part of living in a free country was being able to have your own thoughts and ideas. I never trash talk her to make her feel bad! I can't stand it! I suppose it is the same way with most mothers and daughters, but I hate it. I hate feeling like my mom would be happier when I leave. I hate that. I really love my mom, and I want her to be happy that I am home, not when I am gone. I want my little sisters to look up to me because of all of the great things that I have done and all of the good choices that I have made. I don't want them to hate me because of all of the bad things that my mom tells them. I want my mom's friends to know me for who I am, not for Angela's 18 year old who gives her so much trouble. You know...when I saw her car in the accident I thought she was dead...and I cannot even tell you the thoughts that ran through my mind and the relief that I felt when she was okay. I could have had a heart attack right then. I really do love my mother...more than I could possibly express in words and the idea that I could ever not love her is just ridiculous. I find it very sad that she can't see that.

I just wish people would understand that I am an adult. I have the capability to do what I am supposed to and to avoid the things that I shouldn't do. I am not completely grown up, and there is always room to learn and grow. I do not know everything, and I often need advice. I don't like to be picked on...unless it is all in good humour. Pick on me about being a band geek, or a teacher's pet...or anything of the sort...but don't put me down. I can't take the idea of being a disappointment to others. I want so badly to succeed. I just don't know what else to do...I am trying my hardest and it doesn't seem to be enough.

I wish I could understand what I needed to do to help others understand what they need to do to help me understand.