Obsession

Inside my room I sit and stare at all the empty walls
I think about the world outside these dark and dreary halls
My mind keeps spinning making every thought seem hard to bear
and sometimes in the depths of night I can't find one to care
I know within the tragic air the winds of time may change
and someday maybe thoughts and actions will be in my range
I face so many scary thoughts and sometimes even pain
I try to make myself calm down but I just go more insane
Anxiety is taking over...I'm losing control
and at the point where all is worthless I forget the goal
I try to breathe, I try to speak, I try to think and feel
But somehow in the dead of night depression seems too real.
Within the walls of lonely rooms the sorrow sinks in deep
And gone is all the sanity that I tried hard to keep
I cry. I scream. I yell and shout but nothing seems to work
Cause nothing but these tragic words inside my head do lurk
I want. I crave With deep desire... I seek to endure
The bitter sweet and endless feelings that within me stir
I hold them close and keep them safe until they must assuage
The tender fears of all who read the words upon this page
Now the time has come for you and I to part our ways
And hopes that you will find me on one of my better days.


Melodie Brooke Libby
Jan 12, 2011
10:33 PM

Thinking.

I don't know where to start this blog. I have tried writing 100 different things, but nothing seems to fit into place. Nothing is exactly what I want to say. I want to be able to tell everyone a few things about me now, but I don't think that I can really get the words out. For now I'm going to just vent a little bit.

I really hate it when you are looking forward to something and then someone changes plans on you at the last minute.

I really like stuffed crust pizza with pineapple and chicken. It sounds gross but it's delicious!!

I really cannot stand people who don't know what they are doing and claim to be professionals!

I really really really do not like it when people confuse an upbeat with a pickup. An upbeat is an upbeat. The equivalent of half a beat. You MAY NOTTTTTT use the word "upbeat" when you are talking about one whole beat!!! NO! DON'T DO IT!! A pickup can be any specified number of beats so long as that number is subtracted from the last measure. You can say "pickup into the next measure." So long as your students know the amount of beats or sub-beats you are "picking up." It is more precise to say "Quarter note pickup into the next measure" or "16th-note pickups into the next measure." You see? You cannot interchange "upbeat" with pickup. It's inaccurate, stupid, and confusing. DON'T DO IT!!

I do not like being sick!! My least favorite thing is acid reflux. THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD!!!! UGH!!

I love hugs!! <3 <3 <3 LOVE THEM!! I love giving them. I love getting them. I love thinking about them. **sigh** I just...love them!

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Pumpkin! ANYTHING PUMPKIN! I just...I love it. I love pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin rolls, pumpkin bread, pumpkin steamers, Pumpkin juice...MMMMM.... pumpkin...well...I think you get the point. I love pumpkin stuff.

I don't like forgetting things. Lately I have been forgetting so many things. I find myself starting a conversation, and then...whewwwwww It's gone. I feel like i'm getting old too early. ANDDDDDDD I was taking a test today...and I had studied, so I knew the answers to these stupid fill in the blank answers...and...I forgot. It was terrible. I remembered one of them, but the other one...I had to just guess cause I tried and tried to recall it...I just...couldnt. Then came home and realized that I had actually thought of that word and decided it wasnt right. lol. I hate it when that happens.

I like friends who listen to me.

I can't stand it when people pretend to listen to what your saying, but really have no clue what you are talking about. It drives me crazy! Why can't people just pay attention for 30 seconds and then get back to their own lives. etc.

I hate not being able to sleep. Recently I've been having some sleep troubles. It SUCKS!! I used to be able to sleep 9 hr+ a night, and now I'm averaging about 6, but I have more and more trouble getting to sleep. I hate that!!

I don't like bugs. I don't think I ever have. YUCK!!

I hate it when someone says they're going to do something and then...you find out later that...they didnt. BOGUS!!!! Anyway...

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE almost more than anything else....getting mail!! I LOVE IT!! The THRILLLLLLLLL of opening my box and seeing letters in there is enough to make my entire week worth going through!!

I think I'm done ranting for the evening. It's been a pretty crappy day and I just wanted to end it with some rants and raves. lol. Hope you guys are all doing well...

OH!! You guys should write me letters. If you get brave...email me and i'll tell you my address. :D Look forward to hearing back from you guys!

Return of the...hmm..not Jedi...not Jafar...Return of MELODIE!!!

So, I put blogging on hold as my life took a few unexpected turns, but now I'm back, but I'm not sure how long for. There is something terribly exciting about venting emotions and things on a public forum. It is probably my favorite thing to do. That's probably why I got into writing poetry. I guess the extra medium of throwing words onto paper or the internet is really something that I enjoy.

So...an update into my life. Michael and I broke up on Feb 1st, and after much discussion we got back together on May 19. We have been enjoying our time together since then.

I have been doing a lot of religious studying which has lead to a lot of different beliefs that are changing. I love the Lord so much, and I want desperately to do what he wants me to do. Now I just have to figure out what it is.

I have had some strange strands of depression the past few months. I just all of a sudden feel terrible and worthless and just...sad. And I get upset and I cry and I cry, but I know that nothing is really wrong. I don't know. It's pretty strange. I've done it a handful of times, and It comes and goes. But I've just been overly emotional.

I've been in a baby craze recently. Everyone around me is having babies, and I miss being around kids all the time. I just...I know I dont want my own baby right now. I dont think I can handle one on my own at this stage in my life, but I miss being able to babysit and spend time with children. It's tough to even find time for it with my busy schedule, but everywhere I turn...another person is having a baby. And all I can do is look at baby clothes and toys and miss being around babies. It's a tough time when a babysitter cannot be around babies. I'm suffering baby withdrawal. lol. I didn't even know you could do that, but I've got it.

Ok...also...I started another year of school!! It's going great so far! I have some really great classes, and for once I feel like I'm on top of them. I feel like I am in a whole new groove. :D I just hope I can keep it up! :D Let me see...what else...I think I can post some pictures. I'm sure I have some recent ones. Here are some of the First pictures of Fall. :D I hope you enjoy!!


Ok...so for sunday school one sunday we were trying to teach the kids a song to the tune of old Macdonald...and it was about "good old Noah" and on his ark he had two....etc. anyway...We asked the kids what kind of animals they wanted to sing about, and one of them says "Bunnies!!!" and I was like...uhhh..."what sound do bunnies make?" Michael and I looked at each other...puzzled and one of the kids says "BOING! BOING!! DUHHHHHH!!!!!" lol Never would have thought of that. But...kids know everything.

This is my dorm room. I ended up going through another roommate already, so I am working on my second for the year. We'll see if she lasts the whole year with me. who knows. lol.


The last two pictures...I did take on my own...well...I took all of them, except for the bunny one of my friends shot that with my camera. I love the last two. the flower ones. They are great! Sometimes you just want to catch nature just the way it is, and that's what I was trying to do. I love it! The rest of the pictures are just ones I took recently. I figured you all might want to see what Boone looked like in the Fall. I hope you enjoyed.

Introspection

How am I feeling?

Confused
Angry
Bothered
Overwhelmed
Scared
Betrayed
Lost
Troubled
Alone
Tired
.....etc

but mostly just confused.

I have been going in and out of these feelings for a while now. I understand that life is hard, and that we have to deal with things in order to make us stronger and more capable of handling everything else. When I was about 12 or 13 I wrote a song called "With You"...I love the song, and I tend to sing it a lot when I am alone. Here are the words:

I'm up on a mountain way up high
Chasing the stars into the sky
and when I feel I've given up
you're always there (always there)
you're always there (always there)

I found my spot upon this earth
with you (with you)
And when I look at where I am
I'm with you (with you)
I'm with you (I'm with you)


I've entered a world of black and white
where everything seems to be a fight
and when I feel I've given up..
you're always there (always there)
you're always there (always there)


I found my spot upon this earth
with you (with you)
And when I look at where I am
I'm with you (with you)
I'm with you (I'm with you)

I'm discovering new fantastic things
Battling troubles my life brings
and when I feel like giving up
you're always there (always there)
you're always there (always there)

I found my spot upon this earth
with you (with you)
And when I look at where I am
I'm with you (with you)
I'm with you (I'm with you)



I've been thinking about this song. Sometimes we just need someone. We need someone who we can be with...who can make us feel secure and who can help to build us up. It's so hard to find someone like this. I've spent my entire life...with people. Poeple who help to encourage me...people who love me...and people who I can always count on, but I have also known my share of people who could care less about anyone other than themselves. I think about all of the people I know and all of them who know me. i think about how blessed I have been, but in the midst of blessings come trials. I can only handle so much, and I am to my breaking point...and I feel like there is no one around to hear me cry. I know that people are everywhere. People who love me and care about me...but what can they do?

I look around at my world...I look around at the way I think and feel and act, and each part of me is different. I am losing track of who I was...and I don't know what to do to get back to where I was. I feel like I have lost control. Like everything inside of me is gone...and there is nothing that I can do about any of it. I have become so jumbled. I have been trying to find out who I am...and In the process I have lost who I was. In my quest to discover the me that I am, I have lost the me that I wanted to be. Things continue to get complicated. The more I introspect, the more confused I become. I am almost to the point of not being able to handle anything. I am strong...so I keep pushing forward, but it's so hard to keep trying when you feel so lost.

My motto has often been...."I can do anything,' but I am finding more and more that I can't.
I can't keep trying to be someone I am not.
I can't keep doing what I am doing and hoping to change
I can't wish and dream and hope for something better when there is nothing left to find
I just can't take everything all at once

I know that we are given strength to do anything that we need to, and I am so grateful for that strength, but most of the time, I feel like crying.

I just want to be held and comforted...but in times like these I have to go it alone. I am stuck wandering by myself...through the confusing depths of my mind. It's a scary place, and I don't know how successful I will be coming out on the other end.

I'm going to stop venting for a minute.


Other than all of this random internal stuff...life is going great. I love school...we just started new classes...Christmas break was good...etc.

I'm going to go ahead and post this. Maybe I'll post again later.


Carrots and Peas out.

By Special Request

The other day, Michael mentioned to me that I hadn't been writing in my blog. He doesn't like his picture being at the top, and he probably won't like it that I am talking about him anyways. I have posted three random pictures. One is of Michael's hood ornament which he is semi-obsessed with. He has been known to pull off to the side of the road and fix it if he notices that it is crooked. I just liked the picture. The next one is of the fire hydrant...I think. I have forgotten. lol. This is a fire hydrant on campus. Just one of the pictures that I took in my first week at Appalachian State. The last picture is of Yosef. He is amazing!!! If I could think of one person I would like to meet....other than all the other really cool people, it would probably be Yosef. I have been known to get pretty excited about my school. I have a pretty fair share of school spirit. It's great!! I am totally a fan of Yosef. One of my favorite things about App is that they use all kinds of random puns around campus. For instance, on all of the trash cans, there is a sign that says "Clean up after Yosef." My favorite place to eat in the dining hall is called "WRAPPS" teehee...with two P's. There is a dessert bar that says "Treat Yosef." I just love them. They make me giggle. :D

So...now that the secret has been revealed...I'm allowed to blog about it....for Christmas, I got Michael Tickets to the Grand Ole Opry. It's pretty exciting, and it's probably...no...most definitely the biggest present I have ever gotten for anyone. Michael is really special to me and I wanted to get him some thing that he would love and that he would remember forever. :D so...The Grand Ole Opry was really my only choice. ;) I had kept it a secret, but I had the tickets sent to his house, and they came in the mail the other day, so the secret is now out. :/ BUT....I know he is going to love it...well...you know...since I already know that...well....nevermind. ANYWAYS....School is out for the semester. I am kinda glad that I made it through. I didn't have any doubts about it, but sometimes it just seems like the painful classes will never end. I did pretty well my first semester. I am going to have to do better next semester, but I didn't get kicked out...so that means I am doing something right.


I know it's probably strange, but I miss Michael. Being away has made me realize how much I truly care about him. I am really crazy about this guy. I have to figure out how to spend time with like 10 different people in 3 days. That should be exciting. I promised one of my friends that I would take her out, so I have to make sure I have a bit of money in my account.

Hmm...I am sure there is a million more things I could write about, but I am going to leave it at that. I will try and post more later, but for now...carrots and peas out!


Love,

Melodie

Studying for Psychology...and a nap to prove it.

Last night Michael came over to help me study for my Psychology exam that was today. I printed out all of the notes from the unit, and gave him a list of words. He pretty much did all the work and he made up questions to test my knowledge of the materials. I think we were both surprised at how much I DIDN'T know. lol Studying was a LONGGGG process, and I kept asking what words meant and for him to repeat the question. The poor boy has so much patience with me. :D We were both sitting on my bed. Actually...I was sitting at the foot of my bed and Michael was laying down at the head of the bed reading notes and questions to me. In addition to the exam that I had to study for, I had 6 pages of Music theory work that had to be done by 8am the next morning. I would try and work on that while Michael asked me questions about Psychology. Eventually I had to set aside the Music theory so that I could focus on studying, since I knew that Michael wouldn't be able to help me forever. We got to a point where we had gone through all of the notes and Michael was still laying there on my bed.

I picked up my Music theory work book, and I started figuring out the answers. (We are studying part-writing. It's pretty simple stuff.) I looked up from my book a few seconds later, and Michael's Eyes were closed. It was one of the most adorable things I had ever seen. He and I were holding hands, and I was working on my homework with the other hand.

Anyways...I took my exam today, and I think I did pretty well; it's all because of my wonderful, napping boyfriend. :D

Life other than that is going really well. I can't complain a bit!

Write me letters!!

The Lost and The Lost

The Lost and The Lost


Failing senses, A new release
A time to grieve and find some peace

Emotions strong, Hard to withstand
The longing for a helping hand

I wait in silence through the night
and hope that things will turn out right

The darkness comes, The world is cold
I'm trying hard to feel so bold

The pains arrive, It's hard to deal
With all the little things I feel

I sit and cry, I can't proceed
I'm lost without the things I need

I'm cold and quiet, All alone
Wishing that I would have known

How can the darkness so consume
I didn't think my heart had room

The silent crier never wakes
From simple sleep that never breaks

The time goes by and hearts will mend
The thoughts of a departed friend

The distance moves with steady pace
Reminding us of loving grace

And in the end we all will see
that nothing ends eternally

There cannot be an easy way
other than living day by day

Sometimes it's all that we can do
Until our thoughts become anew

Life goes on, or so it seems
and we'll keep living through our dreams

No task too great, no mountain high
When you are soaring through the sky

The daylight comes, the sunshine nears
To wash away the pains and fears

I close my eyes and once again
I'm close to my eternal friend.


Melodie Brooke Libby
September 28, 2009, 9:34 Am